This is less about nurses then it is about communication. Specifically, small talk, chit chat, jibber jabber. The kind of, ‘how’s the weather’ conversations you have with a new stylist, the dentist, etc.
While delivering my son I got to know a variety of different nurses. Their species isn’t unfamiliar to me, I spent some time in hospitals in 2001 when I was (after a month of biopsies) diagnosed with cancer but that’s a whole other story. In any case, nurses, I’ve dealt with their kind bunches.
So on this visit I found it funny that the three that most stood out could be classified simply as the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
The Good. The ‘good ol’ - one might say since she was just that, good, old, experienced, kind, mellow, wise, able to make one mean apple pie and knit one ugly afghan - ok I made up the last two but in any case she was the nurse that made me comfiest, tended to me (despite the place being swamped with births) feel not the least bit neglected. She was so good, so perfect, so as to be almost unremarkable (nobody likes to hear the good stuff anyway, lets get to the dirt right?). Let’s just say when I was feeling snacky in the middle of the night and the cafeteria was closed she brought me graham crackers and ice cream, and it was good.
The Bad. If you read my labor story you already know about the nurse my husband dubbed, “Malibu Barbie Nurse” unless your at the plastic surgeon’s office or in a porno you most likely don’t want to see a nurse with huge fake boobs. Not to mention her uncanny likeness to Lindsey Lohan, there was just something so wrong about Hooters McBoob telling me to, “Keep doing your nipple stims” (stimulation) I know she was just hoping I’d be in more pain, having more contractions, etc. but it still sounded just like the beginning of a, “Dear Penthouse” letter.
I thought I’d highlight a different bad nurse (I’ve experienced a few) this one was old, chatty (but not in the good way) and annoying. How can a talker like myself dub anyone chatty-in-a-bad-way? This is how. She would do something so super annoying - ask a question then not listen for the answer. Grrr. What’s that about? Why ask a question if you don’t give two shits about the answer? What a waste. I’m fascinating and when it comes to answering questions - well I’ve got a three year old at home so I’m like a master. I’m quite used to explaining things in depth (hence my big ‘ol blog entries) so if you ask me something, get comfortable, I’ve got your answer. This lady would ask you some chit chatty type of question then almost immediately jump to conclusions about your answer, not listening to your actual answer and inserting her own ideas about what your answer is likely to  be.
Example:
Nurse Ann Noying: So is this your first child?
Me: No, I’ve got…
Nurse Ann Noying: Another girl at home?
Me: No, this is a boy but yes I do have a girl at home.
Nurse Ann Noying: Oh, how old is your older one? Is she all excited to be a big sister?
Me: Yes, she’s three and she really seems to be…
Nurse Ann Noying: My daughter always hated her brother from the moment he was blah blah blah etc etc etc. (insert long, involved, tangential story).
Of course the worst thing about this nurse was neither her conversational skills (or lack thereof) nor her complete lack of attentiveness, nor was it her inability to hand me a frikkin ice pack when I so desperately needed one, ‘down there’. The worst part was that after buzzing the front desk multiple times to ask for the nurse to release us from the freakish grip of the hospitals bureaocracy we still sat in our room for ages waiting for her to sign off, sign us out and let us get the hell out of there because she was ‘too busy’ (I could hear her yapping away with the other nurses - not too swamped really). The only good thing was that both my husband and Dr. Wilma got to see this nurse in all her purple moo-moo glory so they can attest to the reality that was her, she even had an annoyingly grating voice to top it all off.
The Ugly. I think this entry was undoubtedly inspired by the ugliest and sweetest nurse I had while in the hospital. She looked amazing, like the kind of ugly that makes you just say, “Wow.” but she was so sweet! So careful and kind. She brought me all the little, probably slightly annoying, things I needed without fail. She made pleasant small talk listened to my answers and didn’t offer long winded, random stories about herself. She looked, my friends, like the “Thing” from Fantastic Four, her body type was like that - a short, stout, wall of a woman. But it was mostly her skin. Her skin was like nothing I’d ever seen. We all have heard the expression, ‘skin like a leather handbag’ but it was so amazing to see this woman’s skin, all crackled and deep brown like a truly loved leather handbag that had sat in a hot car, stuffed under the driver seat for too long.
The important thing was she was the nicest durn nurse. She may have been swamped with moms like me, buzzing her for more ice packs, motrin and extra blankets but she acted like I was her priority. I was glad to have her tending to me after Nurse Ann Noying. I wondered if she were a beauty back in her day, if she had kids of her own, and a few other questions that I didn’t ask her to her well-weathered face.
Those were the nurses that stood out the most. There were other’s that came & went but these were the ones that I took the time to write about on that pad of hospital paper that sits on my desk now. I wondered a few times, while in there, what if a nurse came in while I was sleeping and read that pad of paper. They would have seen some funny things. Notes about the various nurses, my to do list which included as item #1 . Buy beer. And as item #2. Buy sunscreen.

*Tales from the adjustable bed is taken from the notepad full of ideas I jotted down while in the hospital after giving birth to my son.