By Jeff Mullin, Commentary

I’m terrible with names. I
freely admit it. I can be introduced to someone and, by about the second pump of the obligatory “pleased to meet you” handshake, I will have forgotten it. Consequently, I know a lot of people named Whatshisname and Whatshername. But I am nonetheless aware names are very important.

Of names, the 12th verse of the 41st chapter of the apocryphal book
Ecclesiasticus, says “Have regard for your name, since it will remain for you longer than a great store of gold.”

Which is one reason Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii is no more. That was, until recently, the name of a 9-year-old girl from New Zealand. Or it was, that is, until a judge stepped in. He made the girl a ward of
the court so her name could be changed. The girl was so embarrassed about her name she told friends to simply call her “K.”

Actually Talula’s not such a bad name. It served the actress Tallulah Bankhead well, not to mention the town of Tallulah, La. There’s even a song, “My Name is Tallulah.”

But the rest is, admittedly, a bit excessive. The judge also cited other names blocked by New Zealand officials, like
Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit, as well as Number 16 Bus Shelter and Violence. I have a feeling I know what happened in the Number 16 Bus Shelter, but that’s another subject.

The 1960s were famous for free spirited parents hanging peaceful but cumbersome monikers on their offspring. Somewhere there is a lady who calls herself Judy, whose birth certificate reads Rainbow Moonbeam
Seagull Jones, or a fellow known simply as Bud, whose driver’s license reads Sunshine Daydream Ocean Breezes Smith.

This year’s presidential race has brought us one unusual name and one common one. There have been five presidents named John — John Adams, John Quincy Adams, John Tyler, John Calvin Coolidge (yes, old Silent Cal went by
his middle name) and John F. Kennedy, but nary a Barack.

Barack, incidentally, means blessing in Arabic. John is the English form of Johannes, the Latin form of the Greek name Ionnes, which is itself derived from the Hebrew name Yochanan, which means “Yahweh is gracious.”

Had their parents been cruel, the 2008 presidential election, then, could have pit Blessing Obama against Yahweh Is Gracious McCain. That would have given the ballot printers fits.

The person with the single longest name on record was a German immigrant to Philadelphia, named Hubert Blaine Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff Sr. It’s a good thing he didn’t play baseball, they couldn’t find a jersey big enough to accommodate his last name.

The longest song title on record is a World War II favorite, “I’m a Cranky Old Yank In a Clanky Old Tank on the Streets of Yokohama With My Honolulu Mama Doin’ Those Beat-o,
Beat-o, Flat On My Seat-o, Hirohito Blues,” penned by Hoagy Carmichael.

Of course, the aforementioned Mr. Carmichael has a somewhat unusual first name, to say the least. It has nothing to do with the fact folks in Philadelphia call submarine sandwiches “hoagies.” The songwriter’s real first name was Hoagland, after a circus troupe, The Hoaglands, who stayed in the Carmichael home during his mother’s pregnancy.

I’ve always liked my name, Jeffrey, which is from a Norman French form of a Germanic name, Geoffrey. The second part means peace, while the first
is either territory, stranger and hostage.

Just call me old Whatshisname.